


resurface (even if we don’t look back again)

by sexbangs



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bands, Alternate Universe - Punk, Anxiety, Cheating, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moving On, Music, Musicians, Nonbinary Character, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-03-09 05:50:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13475007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sexbangs/pseuds/sexbangs
Summary: Dan Avidan had always had a dream of being a musician.When his and his best friend's band, The Hunted, gets picked up as an opener for the biggest pop punk band in America called Yours, Lovely -- his world is turned upside down.International touring, insomnia and anxiety, plus falling in love isn't always the best mix.It especially doesn't help that Dan thinks he's falling for Yours, Lovely's frontman, Arin Hanson, either.





	1. all i want is nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> here it IS holy cow!!! welcome to the pop punk au, my baby boy!!! 
> 
> i would like to thank bones (@yrslovely on tumblr) for helping me come up with this au and for making all the albums and some of the album art that helped inspire me to keep going with this. i love u bones <33
> 
> also thank you to tawnie (@writergrump on tumblr) for encouraging me to keep writing and for letting me geek about this au constantly. love u waifu.
> 
> every chapter will be named after a song that helped inspire me in writing this au!!

Arin stood on his front lawn in only his jeans and a tank top. Snow lightly fell around him as he stood, staring at the sky that stretched almost infinitely over the Boston suburb. He didn’t turn around when he heard the door open. 

‘Arin!’

He wasn’t completely sure why he hadn’t just left as soon as he found out. He supposed it was because he was in love. Maybe it was because he didn’t want it to be true, that a part of him was holding onto the hope that maybe he could calm down and forgive the other man. 

‘Arin, come inside. It’s freezing.’

His hands clenched tightly into fists, fingernails digging into the soft flesh of his palm. Arin hated that he was so stubborn, that they were really going to break now, despite his readiness to come crawling back, all because he didn’t want to be told what to do. His teeth clamped down against the inside of his cheek and turned to face the other man. ‘Tell me it isn’t true.’

Silence echoed in Arin’s ears and he took a heavy step forward, one fist raised as if he was ready to strike the other. He faltered and choked out a dry sob. ‘Say it isn’t true, you fucking asshole.’ Again, nothing. ‘Fuck you. Fuck you, you fucking bastard, fuckin’ piece of shit--’ he took a shaky breath and he buried his face in his hands for a moment, showing a sign of vulnerability too long for his liking. Arin looked up and shook his head. ‘I’m out of here. Fuck you.’

‘Arin, you live here.’

‘Not anymore.’ Arin turned away from the house, from the front door,  _ his _ house and front door. His hands were shaking as snow started collecting at the top of his head, glowing like a makeshift crown in the light coming from the streetlights. His ears were turning pink from the cold, his close cropped hair doing nothing to protect them. His nose was running, but he didn’t know if that was from the tears forming in his eyes and the lump in his throat or the weather. ‘This is done. Us, too. We’re done. It’s done, this is over.’ 

‘What about our band?’

‘My band.’ Arin whipped around, anger suddenly consuming his actions as he got up in the other’s face. ‘ _ My  _ band, do you hear me? You’re out. You’re gone.’ His hands had formed tight fists again, the anger burning in his chest needing to escape, preferably in the form of hitting something as hard as he could.

There was a beat of silence as the two men just stared at each other. 

‘You’re crying.’ He was reaching towards Arin. ‘Arin, you’re cr--’

‘Don’t touch me.’ Arin jolted away. He pulled his car keys out of his pants pocket and made his way to his car, wiping violently at the tears starting to flow. He opened the driver’s door and almost had to laugh as he wavered momentarily. 

The snow had started falling more heavily. 

‘I hope she was worth it, Jon.’

Arin slammed his car door and drove away in silence, his choked sobs filling the emptiness. He drove until he stopped crying then he drove some more, wanting to sink into the ground and disappear. He didn’t know where to go or what to do next. 

Then again, he almost never did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: all i want is nothing by frnkiero andthe patience


	2. i have friends in holy spaces.

“They’re late.”

Dan had finished his second glass of water and was thinking about ordering some food just so then he could eat to distract himself.

“They’re almost forty minutes la--”

“Cut them some slack, Brian,” Dan sighed. “They’re allowed to be a little late.”

“Forty minutes late?” Brian shot back. His leg was bouncing up and down, making the table shake a bit. He looked as nervous as Dan felt. “What if they don’t show?” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “God, what if this was all just a scam?

A murmur suddenly rushed through the club, starting at the front door and making its way back to where Brian and Dan had been instructed to sit in by an email they’d received.

About two months earlier, a woman had introduced herself in Dan and Brian’s band’s email inbox as Yours, Lovely’s agent. She informed them very politely that the band was offering to have the duo, known as The Hunted, open for them on their world tour to promote their new album. Dan was surprised to find out that bands could get paid as much as was being offered for The Hunted to be an opener for Yours, Lovely. 

Now that everything was arranged and the tour was just around the corner, all that was left to do was actually  _ meet _ the band. 

Dan told himself that nerves were natural. After all, Yours Lovely were the biggest pop-punk band in the world. Meanwhile, The Hunted had started as a stress relief, not anything serious, and they never expected to even make it down to Texas on tour. Not to mention that most photos of Yours, Lovely made the band out to seem pretty intimidating. 

They were almost more intimidating in person. 

Dan and Brian both stood up awkwardly in the rounded booth they were occupying when Yours, Lovely approached. Dan was ready to offer his hand to shake but decided that might seem a little too old and formal and quickly just shoved both of his hands in his pockets and tried to seem as cool as the others. He easily recognized them from the extensive research that he and Brian had done once they were contacted by the band’s agent. 

Suzy was leading the pack as they came closer. She held herself confidently and grinned when she stopped in front of the booth, hands on her hips. Her hair hung down past her shoulders and fell in pitch black waves only separated by a sea of blonde that was tucked swiftly behind her right ear. Suzy was wearing an oversized black sweater that hung off her shoulder and a black high waisted skirt with a bat pattern on it. Under, she wore ripped stockings and big clunky combat boots. She was downright gorgeous and Dan had to make sure he wasn’t staring for too long. He quickly turned his gaze over to who he recognized as Ross, the lead guitarist.

Ross stood behind Suzy, arms crossed over their chest. They were wearing a blue long sleeved flannel with the sleeves rolled up to their elbows. They were grinning mischievously, a look that made Dan almost nervous. Ross had a grey beanie on, their light brown fringe looking mussed and painlessly cool underneath it. Their jeans seemed to practically be painted on and Dan had to wonder if they were actually comfortable in them. They wore wooden bead and obviously fanmade bracelets on both wrists. Ross elbowed the person to their left who Dan recognized as the band’s bassist, Barry, a little and said something into his ear, still grinning. Barry laughed and shoved Ross away playfully. He was standing with his hands in the pockets of his grey cardigan. He wore a ringer tee underneath that read ‘Thank You, Have A Nice Day’ in bright red lettering and was wearing almost equally as tight black jeans. A necklace hung around his neck with a key on the end of the chain.

Finally, Arin stepped into view from behind Barry. He had been talking to a woman Dan could only assume was their agent.

Arin Hanson was about Dan’s height, but he seemed taller in that moment, probably from how incredibly small Dan felt. Dan’s mind rushed to the information he and Brian had read about on Wikipedia and fan forums. Arin had a streak of blond in his chin length hair, like Suzy. Dan had read that was because they were best friends, maybe dated, and had been roommates before the band took off. Arin’s hair length was also a topic of discussion, but Dan hadn’t delved into that hole. Arin was wearing a black Nirvana t-shirt under a black hoodie-leather jacket combination. He looked so effortlessly cool and calm and collected. When he tilted his head, Dan could see his 00 gauges that were a big topic of discussion on Twitter and Tumblr and other fan-run forums.  

Dan felt silly knowing all the fanlore. These were just normal people. He justified it to himself that he didn’t really even listen to pop-punk before they had been contacted by Yours, Lovely’s agent and it was the quickest way to get to know the band, in a way, but now he felt incredibly stupid as he stood before Arin, thinking about the thread he’d read about Arin’s gauges. 

“Hi. It’s nice to finally meet all of you,” Brian said, breaking Dan out of his mind and back into reality. “I’m Brian, and this is Dan.”

“We know all of you,” Dan said and immediately regretted it.

Arin’s mouth quirked up in a small smile and Dan felt his guts tie themselves in knots.

They all, then, settled into the booth. Dan sat with Brian on his immediate left and Ross on his immediate right. Next to Ross was Barry, then their agent, who introduced herself as Michele. To Brian’s left was Suzy, then Arin. Dan couldn’t pull his gaze away from Arin and ended up staring at the rings on his fingers while pretending to read his menu. 

“What about you, Dan?”

Dan looked startled by Suzy’s voice and glanced around the table, seeing everyone staring at him. “Uh. Sorry, what was the question?” 

Ross snickered a little and Dan felt him jolt as Barry swiftly kicked him under the table.

“Where are you from?”

“Jersey.” Dan quickly drank some more of his water. “Same as Brian.” 

“Awesome, I knew you guys were based in Jersey, but I just had to ask,” Suzy said, smiling across the table at Dan. Now that she was closer, Dan could see her dramatic eye makeup better. “Arin and I are both from Florida.” 

“I’m from Perth,” Ross butt in. “Australia.”

“I’m from Cali,” Barry said. His voice was softer, more comforting than Ross’ voice that was immediately next to Danny’s ear. 

“Can I also just say,” Ross said, “I’m ready to eat the fuck out of some chicken strips.”

“I need a drink,” Michele sighed.

Dan almost had to agree with her, but when the waiter went around asking for drink orders, Dan simply asked for a Coke with a lot of ice. He stayed quiet, only occasionally putting in his two cents about music and shoe brands and whatever else Brian was talking about to entertain the others.

Yours, Lovely seemed delighted at how funny Brian was - why wouldn’t they? He was smart and charming. Dan couldn’t help but grin at his best friend and knock their knees together kindly. Dan looked over at Arin, then, who had stayed mostly quiet. He kept glancing at his phone, almost ready to bolt. Dan noticed his grimace when the DJ would start talking and realized the table had been shouting their whole conversation over the loud music. He also noticed how Arin was the only other person at the table who was sticking to water and a soda and remembered vaguely reading about him being what was called ‘straight edge’, which, when Dan had read it, he assumed that meant he shaved with a straight razor. 

Once they had ordered their food, Dan announced he had to use the bathroom and everyone to his right had to do an awkward shuffle to let him out of the booth so he could try to find the men’s room. He needed a break to rest his mind and try to focus. He also supposed that three glasses of water and a glass of Coke was a little bit too much for him to just hold. 

In the bathroom, Dan splashed water on his face. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. It wasn’t as easy as he had expected, being a musician. This was stressful and scary. He just wanted tour to start. He went into a stall and pissed, wondering how Yours, Lovely could seem to so effortlessly hold their image.

Dan heard the bathroom door open and heard footsteps. He zipped his pants up and flushed the toilet, leaving the stall and, quite literally, running into Arin. 

“I’m so sorry--”

“Oh, fuck. Sorry.” 

Dan awkwardly rubbed his neck and looked at their feet. Arin was wearing black leather combat boots. “Sorry. I didn’t reali--”

“My fault.” Arin cut him off. He looked Dan up and down. They were standing in awkward silence until Arin said, “This whole dinner thing isn’t really my speed. I kind of came in here to hide.”

Dan looked up, his posture straightening. “Oh.” He couldn’t help but smile. “Same here.”

Arin grinned in the same way he did before and Dan felt like he was set on fire. Did producers these days for bands handpick attractive people to be in bands or was it just a coincidence? Dan pushed away those thoughts and he said, “I’m looking forward to the tour, though.”

“Yeah, me too,” Arin said. “It’s one of our longest yet, we’ve got a pretty long setlist, too.”

“Well, you guys have, what, five albums out?”

“Four, actually. You did your research, though,” Arin laughed. He turned to look at himself in the mirror. “The fifth one is coming out in a month or so.”

Dan got busy washing his hands and trying desperately hard not to stare as Arin pulled his hair back into a ponytail. “Our first album is coming out soon,” he said. “We’ve got a bunch of EPs, though.”

“Yeah, I know. I listened to all of them. You guys are really good. My favorite’s probably _ Earth To Dan _ . That was your first EP, right?” Arin cocked his head so smoothly and looked over at him.

Dan’s heart was racing. That was unbelievable that Arin Hanson, Arin fucking Hanson, listened to his music and thought it was good. What world was he living on? Dan composed himself enough to say, “Yeah, that was our first EP.”

“Awesome. I love your guys’ style, it’s really...fuck, soothing, I guess? Is that weird to say?” Arin smiled. “Anyways, I really like your music, dude.”

“Jeez, man. That...that actually means a lot to me.” Dan looked down at his soapy hands and rinsed them off. “Thanks.”

“We should probably get back to the dinner,” Arin pointed out. He turned towards Dan, some of his hair falling out of the ponytail and into his face. “They’ll be wondering where we are.”

Dan agreed quietly, but he would’ve prefered to have kept this private conversation going. There was something about talking to Arin alone that was intimate and made his stomach do flip flops. 

Back at the table, Dan shuffled back into his seat awkwardly, seeing that their food had arrived already. He felt too nervous to eat and started talking about how he got into music with Suzy and Brian while to his right he heard Ross and Barry trying to engage Arin in a conversation about gear to bring on tour while Michele checked emails on her phone.

Eventually, the dinner seemed to come to a fizzled-out end. Ross and Michele excused themselves for a quick smoke break while Suzy and Brian continued chatting about god-knows-what. Dan admired that about Brian, how easily he could make conversation. Meanwhile, Dan was trying to make conversation with Barry.

“Who’s your favorite band?”

“Rush,” Dan didn’t even have to think about it. “They’ve always been one of my favorites. What about you?”

“I’m a big fan of ABBA, but recently I’ve been listening to Tom Petty on repeat.” Barry finished off his drink. “I was a bit heartbroken when I heard about his passing. My dad and I always used to listen to him when we would roadtrip.”

“Did you roadtrip a lot?”

“Yeah. I’m from Beverly Hills, but my grandparents live in a suburb of Portland. When I was a kid, around winter break, my mom would fly up there a week or so before my school was out and my dad and I would drive after I got out of school. We’d just go for the week, sometimes go camping.” Barry scratched his temple. “You got any weird family traditions?”

“Oh, uh, my family always went out for Chinese food on Christmas. We’re Jewish.” Dan shrugged. 

“Oh, my family’s Jewish, too,” Barry said, smiling. “Thankfully the end of Chanukah would fall during the winter break and we could spend it with my grandparents.” His smile grew a little wider. “That’s sick that we’re both Jewish.” Barry paused before saying, “I’ll be right back, I need to use the bathroom and it’d be better to go now then when everyone’s back.” He then excused himself from the table.

Dan rested his chin in his hand, partially listening in on Brian and Suzy’s discussion and partially staring at Arin’s hands. He watched as Arin played with a straw wrapper. The rings on his fingers glinted in the purple and blue lights of the club and Dan felt his heart forget to function for a second. He scolded himself for even thinking about Arin like that. If he really thought about it, Arin was almost his boss, in a way. Crushing on him couldn’t lead to anything good.

Still, Dan kept watching him.

After the dinner, outside the club, Michele asked if The Hunted had any social media. Brian gave her their Twitters.

“I guess we’ll see you on tour,” Suzy said, smiling up at Dan. Ross was next to her, hands in their pockets again. “I’m getting excited for it.”

“I am, too. This is only our second tour with a Perth date,” Ross added in, their arms wrapping around Suzy’s shoulders from behind in a makeshift hug. “I’m gonna go hibernate until tour starts, though.”

“Fourteen days,” Dan said. He let Suzy give him a hug and fist-bumped Ross before they said their goodbyes to Brian and got into the van Michele had called for them. Barry and Dan nodded at each other after Barry had shaken Brian’s hand. Michele thanked them one last time and got in the van. 

Arin lingered. His hair was down again and his fingers were wrapped around the hair tie he had used earlier. “See you on tour,” he said, looking between Brian and Dan. “We’re really glad to have you.” 

And with that, he got in the van. 

Dan and Brian stood outside the club until they couldn’t see the van in the busy traffic of Newark. 

“Christ,” Dan breathed. “Shit just got real.”

Brian punched him in the arm lightly. “Let’s go home.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: i have friends in holy spaces by panic! at the disco


	3. my friends over you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for discussion of blood and vomit.

‘Oh. Hey, Arin.’

He couldn’t breathe.

He was very aware of the fact that he was having an anxiety attack and therefore was not thinking clearly, but that didn’t help. At all. 

Arin felt like puking. 

The nearest bathroom, thankfully, was unoccupied. He slammed the door behind him and retched into the toilet. Arin had barely eaten anything that night due to nerves and was just throwing up bile at this point. 

Arin hadn’t even wanted to come to this godforsaken party. Yours, Lovely’s producers were invited to some industry party and had wanted to show off their shiny new toy, meaning Arin, Barry, Ross, and Suzy had been dragged along. This usually would just be a normal discomfort level for Arin if it hadn’t been in Boston.

It was so dumb, the chances of him being at the same party seemed so miniscule.

But it hadn’t been impossible. 

Arin retched again, eyes shut tight as he tried to force anything in him out as fast as he could.

In an instant, Arin’s hand slipped from where he was holding up the toilet seat precariously. The seat hit him in the back of the head and his face hit the edge of the toilet bowl. 

He would later find out that his tooth cut through his upper lip.

Now, all he could see was red. 

‘Arin?! Arin, are you in there?’

Arin’s head snapped towards the door, blood dripping down his chin. ‘...Ross?’

‘Yeah! Yeah, it’s me.’

Before Arin could full process what was happening, he was crying and Ross was in the bathroom with him. 

‘Fuck… fuck,’ Ross was obviously trying to keep their cool. ‘Shit. Arin, are you okay?’ He crouched in front of Arin and grabbed a fistful of toilet paper. ‘Arin?’

Arin was just staring at Ross, trying to level his breathing. He wanted to just disappear. 

‘Arin, can you hear me?’

‘I’m so fucking scared, Ross.’

‘Arin…’

‘I’m never good enough. I’ll—’ he hiccupped on a sob, ‘never be good enough to make people stay. And now I’m having a fuckin’ anx—fuck. Anxiety attack in th-the bathroom.’

Ross’ face went from worried to absolute, pure anger. Arin had only seen that look a few times in his life and he never wanted to be on the receiving end of it. Ross’ anger quickly disappeared and body deflated back into a slight calm. They pressed the toilet paper to Arin’s bleeding lip and guided his hand to hold it there. 

‘You’re gonna be okay. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll always be here.’ Ross watched Arin, their words hushed and soothing. ‘I’m never leaving. Neither is Suzy or Barry. Got it?’

‘Everyone leaves.’

‘I’m never leaving. I am never leaving.’ Ross touched Arin’s shoulders lightly. ‘Okay? You don’t have to believe me now or ever. I’m going to prove it to you, Arin Hanson. You’re stuck with me for life.’

Arin sniffled a little.

‘Can I hug you?’

Arin nodded.

Ross wrapped their arms around Arin and Arin pressed his face into Ross’s shoulder. He didn’t care that he was getting blood all over Ross’ shirt. Arin didn’t care that it smelt like bile and blood and bathroom. All he cared about was how Ross felt, how their arms wrapped around him was like an anchor. 

‘We’re gonna be okay.’

‘I’m okay,’ Arin whispered. 

_ I’m okay.  _

_ I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay. _

Maybe if he said it enough, he’d believe it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: my friends over you by new found glory


	4. infinite.

“So you guys are, what, about five days into tour? What’s it like being on tour with Yours, Lovely?” 

“Oh,” Dan smiled and sat back on the couch he and Brian were squeezed onto for the interview. “In a word? Probably… intimidating. They’re all very laid back and down to Earth, but they’re just so talented. No matter how many times I see them perform, I don’t think I’ll ever not be impressed.”

“Their energy is always matched by the Lovelies, too,” Brian added in. “I’ve never seen a more dedicated fanbase. We had Twitter accounts dedicated to the outfits we’re wearing each night by Lovelies who have started liking our music.”

“Oh, yeah, I saw that,” Dan nodded. “They’re calling themselves The Pack.”

“Really? That’s kind of awesome,” the interviewer laughed. “And you guys didn’t pick out that name?”

“Not at all! The fans are the ones doing all of it.” Brian explained, arms crossed over his chest. He looked tired but was still smiling.

“Well, on that note, if you want to be a member of The Pack, come out and see The Hunted on tour with Yours, Lovely. Their debut album,  _ Briefly Held _ , will be dropping on December 1st, and the links to their social media will be below! Thank you for checking out 76.5 JAX FM.”

“Bye! Hope to see you soon!”

“Byeee!”

The camera stopped recording and the interviewer got up with a quick thank you and ran to take a phone call. Dan looked to Brian and grinned. 

They made their way to their dressing room after thanking the camera guy. The dressing room was marked with a piece of paper that had their band name in all capital letters and their faces underneath it in case they lost their tour passes. 

Dan flopped down on the couch, laying on his back with one leg hooked over the back of the couch and his head resting on the arm of the couch. “Brian, throw me a water bottle.”

“Only if you’ll catch it.”

“Dude, I’m the best at catching.” Dan sat up on the couch. 

Brian, who had stopped raiding the snacks for Dan’s entertainment, chucked a water bottle in the other man’s direction. Dan almost screamed and ducked as the bottle sailed over the back of the couch and skidded across the floor before stopping at Arin’s feet.

Dan’s eyes went wide when he saw Arin bend down and grab the water bottle. He stood up and pushed hand through his hair awkwardly to get it out of his eyes. “...hey, Arin.” 

“Hey.” Arin offered Dan the water bottle. “I’m guessing this is yours.”

Dan took the bottle and watched as the rings on Arin’s fingers glinted. He looked at his feet, feeling like a child who had been caught doing something he shouldn't've. To make matters worse - Arin was extremely hard to read. Dan looked back at Arin. 

“The others were wondering if you guys wanted to come over to our dressing room.” Arin’s voice was level and didn’t show any hints of annoyance.

Not that Dan was particularly worried that Arin liked him.

“That’d be awesome,” Brian nodded. “Thanks.”

Arin pointed at the gummy worms with the catered snacks to Brian’s left. “Bring those, we already demolished ours.” A hint of a smile played on his lips and Dan felt his cheeks get hot.

Dan and Brian followed Arin down the hallway to the Yours, Lovely dressing room. It was much more spacious. There were two couches facing each other with a coffee table in between them. On the opposite wall from the entrance, there was a long table with every type of snack and soda thinkable. The room was painted a soft lilac and smelt clean, unlike The Hunted’s dressing room that was a putrid green and smelt like a sock. 

“You made it!” Suzy cheered from the couch. She got up and gave Brian and Dan hugs while Ross slickly took the gummy worms from Brian and tore open the package with their teeth. 

Dan watched as Arin sat on a chair off to the side of the couches, almost turned away as he took his seat across from Barry, Ross, and Suzy. The three of them seemed very comfortable being close, while Brian and Dan opted to sit just barely close enough to have their knees touch. 

“How was your interview?” Barry asked, a hand in Ross’ hair. 

“It was alright,” Brian said.

“Alright? It was awesome. I’m still kind of starstruck we’re where we are,” Dan said, leaning back on the couch, trying to relax. It was hard to, because he couldn’t stop looking over at Arin as he loomed in the corner. “I mean… The Hunted started out as a joke.”

“That  _ is _ true,” Brian shrugged. “I never thought we’d be here.”

“That’s kind of like how we started,” Ross said from where they leaned against Barry, their legs on Suzy’s lap. “I remember when Arin first asked me to join. I said ‘fuck no’.” 

Suzy laughed, grabbing some more gummy worms. “You only said that because Arin wasn’t taking it seriously, either.”

“It wasn’t Arin who convinced me to join,” Barry agreed, “it was Jon.”

A hush fell over the room, all at once. 

Barry looked like he’d just shot a gun without realizing how sensitive the trigger was. 

Arin was looking up. His hair had fallen into his eyes and the expression on his face seemed unreadable. The tension could be cut with a butter knife and Barry was acting like he had just stabbed Arin with one. Dan looked between Arin and the others, searching for some kind of answer that might be there if he stared at them long enough. He finally looked over at Brian, who seemed to understand and suddenly was very interested in his feet. 

“Guys, have you seen -- oh, there you guys are. The Hunted go on for soundcheck in five.” Holly, their tour manager, broke the silence as she entered the room, looking back down at her clipboard once she saw Dan and Brian. Sensing something had happened by the utter silence, her gaze raised from the clipboard slowly and she looked between those sitting on the couches and Arin. She cleared her throat. “Hey.” Holly had pink pastel hair and, despite being much shorter than Dan, intimidated him to no end. She constantly had everything in control and her voice could come across as harsh when she was trying to make sure everything was in place. In this moment, though, Dan could see how worried she looked about Arin. “Hunted. Go to the stage for soundcheck.” 

Dan stood quickly and was followed by Brian out the door. Dan lingered momentarily on the opposite side of the doorway, hearing Holly ask what happened and Ross scrambling to answer. Brian tugged on his sleeve and lead him down the hallway. 

“It’s none of our business,” Dan said, mostly to himself. He was quiet again and followed Brian before saying, voice hushed, “Jon was the guitarist who left, right?”

“Shhh,” Brian pulled him into the bathroom and checked that the stalls were all empty before continuing to talk, “yes. You know how we researched them when we got asked to be on the tour?”

“Yeah.”

“I read some stuff that I’m not entirely sure was true or not, but it seems pretty real.”

Dan felt like a teenage girl, hiding in the bathroom and gossiping. He looked around, as if someone could be eavesdropping. His voice lowered, “What did you read?”

“You know their album  _ For Jon _ ? It’s about him. A lot of the fans think that Arin and Jon...y’know?” 

“Jeez.”

“I mean...I think that it’s hard to lose a bandmate no matter what, especially since they split after, what, eight years of being a band? That must have been hell.” Brian sighed. “I just hope they don’t start fighting.”

Dan was quiet, not entirely sure what to say in this kind of situation. He ended up managing, “We should get to soundcheck,” and followed Brian out to the stage, his mind still racing as he tried to make sense of what had happened and what Brian told him.

=

“ _ The trees call you by name.” _

Dan’s heart was hammering in his chest. It was their fifth night of tour and he hadn’t adjusted to how big these crowds were.

_ “We are The Hunted.” _

Parts of the crowd started screaming as a single blue spotlight opened on Dan as he stood center-stage. He squinted and was able to see that the entire venue was packed to the brim with people of all ages. A second light was cast on the stage and Dan looked to his left, seeing Brian at his keys. Dan adjusted his grip on his acoustic guitar and they launched into  _ Ground Control, This Is Dan _ \- the first song on their debut EP. 

Dan closed his eyes, trying not to feel nervous by how big the venue was. His eyes opened again suddenly when he heard some people at the front of the crowd singing along. A smile spread across his lips that he couldn’t help and he laughed a little when he messed up the lyrics. 

After they finished the song, the spotlights turned into a wash, illuminating Dan and Brian better than the mood lighting. Dan tucked some hair behind his ear. 

“Hi.” He grinned. Dan lifted a hand to shield his eyes from the lights and looked out at the crowd, letting the silence drag out for a bit before he said. “Hi. We’re The Hunted, we’re from Jersey, and we’re gonna play you some music. I’m Dan and this is Brian. This song is called  _ Flowers For Dana _ .” 

Again, Dan heard people singing along as the lights flashed over him and Brian in shades of pinks and yellows. Dan pulled one of the plastic flowers off of his microphone stand as he went to the edge of the stage during the keys bridge and threw it over the barricade to a fan who knew the lyrics. He went back to his microphone and finished off the song. Dan’s eyes drifted to stage right and he saw Arin standing there, watching their set. He was sure that he was blushing and looked straight forward, trying to ignore how Arin’s gaze made him nervous.

“I first wrote that song for my sister when I was eighteen.” Dan paused. “So. How many of you are ready to see Yours, Lovely?”

The crowd erupted into screams and Dan couldn’t help but smile. 

It wasn’t long before they reached the end of their set. 

“Thank you!” Dan waved a bit. “Again, we are The Hunted. Our debut album comes out December first, it’s called  _ Briefly Held. _ It would mean the world to us if you checked it out.” He laughed a bit when he heard some people in the crowd holler and yell. “Finally, a big thank you to Yours, Lovely for having us open for them! Now scream as loud as you can so they know you’re ready for them!” The entire venue was filled with screams. “C’mon, you guys can be louder than that!” Dan was right. He was thankful he was wearing his earpieces. “Thank you again! Goodnight!” 

Once offstage, Dan handed a stagehand his bass. He wrapped an arm around Brian’s shoulders and brought him close, laughing at how sweaty and sticky they were. Brian ducked and rolled away, calling first shower as he ran off down the hallway. Dan laughed again, loudly, throwing his head back a bit as he watched Brian basically Naruto-run towards the dressing rooms. Once he composed himself, he saw Arin watching him. 

“Hey.”

“Oh.” Dan wiped some sweat off his forehead. “Hey.”

Arin stepped closer to Dan in the dark of the backstage, almost cornering him. Arin’s hair was pulled back into the messy ponytail that made Dan’s stomach do flips when he saw the strands of his hair falling into his eyes. Dan was trying very hard to keep his cool when Arin said, “Nice set.”

“Th-thanks, dude.” Dan’s whole face went red. “Thanks.” 

“I gotta go, but…” Arin’s voice trailed off.

“But?”

“I don’t know,” Arin said, a wry smile forming on his lips. “I hadn’t thought that far before I started talking.” He turned away and went onstage after being handed his guitar. 

Dan’s heart was hammering in his chest. “What the fuck was that,” he mumbled to himself, watching from the wing as Arin took his ponytail out and his hair fell in his eyes as they started the set with  _ Boston _ , one of their more popular songs off of  _ For Jon. _ Dan was still buzzing with excitement from how close Arin had gotten to him. It was like his fingertips were made of electricity and his stomach felt ready to jump out his throat at any moment now.

_ I was killed with your knife that night _

_ You left me to bleed out in Boston _

In that moment, Dan realized how absolutely, entirely fucked he was for Arin Hanson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: infinite (cover) by natewantstobattle (feat. arin hanson)


	5. black dahlia.

Arin’s head was on Jon’s shoulder when the shit began to hit the fan.

They had just finished their show for Spring Breakers  - a musical festival in Boston. The sun was starting to creep below the horizon line and the bigger name bands were going on. Arin had been stunned at the time at the thought of performing at the same festivals as some of the bands that had been what inspired him and his friends to start a band. 

Jon pulled his arm away from being wrapped around Arin’s shoulders and shifted to put a hand on his thigh, right over where a tattoo of a switchblade was on Arin’s thigh. Arin nuzzled against him momentarily before stopping, seeing Ross’ expression - a mix between disgust and annoyance.

Of all of his friends, Ross took it the worst when they found out that Arin and Jon were together.

Jon had tried to convince him that it was due to jealousy.

Ross looked away, their expression pensive and conflicted. Arin wanted to ask them what was wrong but knew it would be useless, so he stayed silent. This was a barrier between them that Arin couldn’t remember when it first appeared, but it was like Arin was spreading the mortar while Ross was laying the bricks. 

It was weird losing your best friend like that.

Barry wouldn’t look Arin in the eyes, on that note. He barely spoke anymore and when he did, he only spoke to Suzy or Ross. 

Suzy seemed snappier with Arin, too. 

Yours, Lovely had split into two teams and Arin felt like he was on the losing side with no means of redemption. 

So he sat on the couch with Jon’s hand resting on his thigh, watching the strangers he called his best friends pass the time before their tour manager would come in with the agenda for the next week. Arin leaned on Jon, wishing that he would actually hold him like he used to.

‘So, I take it neither of you are actually going to say something.’ Suzy’s voice was sharper than Arin had ever heard it. He looked up to where she stood. Her hair was tied back messily and she looked absolutely angelic. Arin felt a pang of hurt. He missed being close to Suzy, but that wasn’t something he could worry about. He was more concerned about how she was about to lay into Barry and Ross. ‘You both can be real fucking cowards sometimes.’

Barry buried his face in his book, blushing brightly. Ross’ head lolled around to look at Suzy, expression neutral. 

Suzy shook her head, eyes closed. She paused and took a long breath before looking at Jon and Arin. ‘Arin, you’re my best friend and I feel like because of that, I need to say something.’

Arin awkwardly put his phone away and shifted away from Jon awkwardly. ‘What’s up, Suze?’

‘Yeah, is something wrong?’ Jon leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. ‘What’s up?’

‘God, I thought this would be easier,’ Suzy almost laughed and Arin could see tears forming in her eyes. ‘Fuck. God damn. Jon’s cheating on you, Arin! He’s cheating on you and someone needed to say something.’

Silence filled the room. 

Arin almost laughed, but Suzy’s expression indicated that she wasn’t joking.

This was like Arin’s worst fears were coming true. He had always been petrified at the thought of Jon getting tired of him and moving on. He shook his head, a bitter smile crookedly staggering up his face. ‘No. No, no, no,’ Arin heard himself repeating it like a plea. ‘Jon?’

‘You’re kidding, aren’t you, Suze?’

‘Don’t call me that.’

‘Don’t accuse me of shit that I haven’t done, then.’ Jon’s voice was a blade that he swung around carelessly, not caring who got cut by it. Arin had never heard his voice this defensive and full of anger. He had heard him upset, but never like this.

Never towards one of their own.

‘We saw you,’ Suzy’s voice was starting to shake. She looked over at Barry. ‘Barry saw you with a girl, you can’t deny someth--’

‘Please don’t drag me into this. I don’t want to do this right now.’ Barry was trying desperately to ignore what was happening around him. ‘Suzy, we said we wouldn’t do this right now.’

‘You’ve got no guts and aren’t a very good friend if you actually care that little.’

Barry’s whole face went red with the accusation and he opened his mouth to speak when Jon interjected, ‘You guys don’t seem to have this very well planned out. This also isn’t a very funny prank.’ 

‘Is kissing and fucking someone who isn’t your boyfriend a prank?’ Ross finally spoke up from where they were curled up on a chair. ‘Because that one is fucking hilarious. It’s super overdone, Jon, but you continue to do it. I like how Arin acts like he’s oblivious to it as if we hadn’t all known about this for a fucking while now. But my favorite part is how we all used to be friends but it’s because of  _ your _ fucking relationship, we’re all suddenly treated like shit.’

‘You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve, Ross.’ 

‘And you’re a cheate--’

_ ‘Stop fucking saying he’s a cheater.’  _

Arin suddenly found himself standing, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. He was staring Ross down, his blood boiling. ‘Stop saying he’s a cheater.’

‘Arin--’

He whipped around, his voice filling up the entire room and echoing down the halls. ‘You shut the  _ fuck _ up, Suzy, I--’

Ross was on their feet in an instant, standing between Suzy and Arin, jaw clenched tightly as they took a step towards Arin to force him to back up. ‘You do  _ not _ talk to her like that.’ They took another step towards Arin, making him take another step backwards. ‘You don’t get to talk to her like that just because you and Jon are fucking.’

‘This is fucking ridiculous.’ Jon stood as well, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘You guys are shitty friends for deciding to turn on me.’

‘You’re  _ being _ a shitty friend!’ Barry suddenly exploded onto his feet, his book strewn across the ground. ‘Jon, dude, holy shit! You’re my best friend but I fucking  _ saw _ you! And now you’re just  _ lying _ to Arin!’ Barry was trembling out of fear and anger, a molotov cocktail of anxiety and future regret in his bones. 

‘You’re all jumping my ass in some dramatic Judge Judy court case. Fuck all of you.’ Jon looked between Barry, Ross, Suzy, and finally Arin. He was flushed a deep red with pure, unrestricted anger. His jaw was taught, drawn up the way a wild dog’s might be before it attacked.

Arin couldn’t help but try to search for answers in Jon’s eyes. They were still just as dark and clear as the first time they met at fourteen, the first time they kissed, the first time they fucked. This time, however, Arin couldn’t see a thing beyond those eyes. They were foreign, unreadable, like Arin was trying to force something that had never been there.

He was completely and utterly terrified. 

‘You know what? I’m fucking out of here. Fuck all of you.’ Jon flipped off his bandmates and made a swift exit. 

Arin felt like a cornered animal in a cage. He watched as Jon left and didn’t follow, knowing that he would need some time to cool down. He looked back at his friends. 

‘Are you happy? You pissed him off.’

Ross laughed. ‘You’re still fucking defending him.’

‘He would never cheat on me, he loves me.’

‘Arin…’ Suzy sighed. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘God. Jon was fucking right about all of you.’ Arin shook his head, hand flying up to run his fingers through his short hair. ‘You’re all just fucking jealous! You want to fuck me over because you’re jealous that I’m with Jon.’

‘Yeah, right.’

Before Arin could fully process what was happening, Ross was on their ass on the ground because of Arin shoving them away. Arin didn’t even feel bad. He turned on his heel and went to his car - one specifically chosen out for him by their management. 

In the car, Arin let out a loud scream of frustration. 

He ended up driving around Boston for a while to calm himself down and be alone. He was trying to convince himself that Jon loved him and would never cheat. Arin had never felt such anger towards Suzy before, or Barry and Ross for that matter, but there was truth to what they said. Arin couldn’t ignore the way Jon would disappear at random times in the night when he thought he was asleep, or how he would always seem on edge when they were alone. Even the words ‘I love you’ sounded empty and monotonous, now. 

Numbly, Arin drove to the suburbs of Boston, alone and incredibly somber after a few hours of driving alone to calm down plus an hour stuck in traffic. Snow was beginning to fall lightly. He parked in the driveway and went inside. When he got to his and Jon’s door he didn’t question why there was a car parked in their driveway that wasn’t Jon’s. He didn’t question why his front door was unlocked when Jon had never mentioned going home. He chose to ignore the signs that seemed to get more and more obvious as time went on. 

But Arin couldn’t ignore the coat that was strewn across the back of their living room couch that was painfully not his or Jon’s. 

Arin’s legs forced him up the stairs. Physically he was moving, but Arin felt more like he was watching his body move without him really controlling it. He felt as if he was barely even there. It was like watching himself move while in a ghost state. 

He heard them before he saw them together. 

He opened the bedroom door, still. 

The sight of Jon and the girl made him physically ill. Seeing them in his and Jon’s bed, in his and Jon’s house, immediately triggered his gag reflex, bile rising up in his stomach. 

Arin didn’t give Jon a moment to explain. He slammed the front door behind him with such force he thought for sure it would shatter behind him. Standing in the front yard as he waited for Jon to come outside and explain himself, he begged the tears not to come. All the while, snow continued to fall around the Boston suburbs.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: black dahlia by hollywood undead


	6. coffee talk.

It was snowing in Chicago.

Dan was on the roof of the hotel, watching the snow flutter down. He wrapped his coat tighter around him. Despite his sweatshirt, coat, and long-sleeved pajama shirt, he was still shivering. The snow falling around him reminded him of home, so he figured that freezing was more worth it than feeling shut up in the hotel room. 

In the summer, the roof of the hotel was a buzzing area of excitement, drinks, and pool-type funs. Now, with the snow falling, Dan sat under a canvas umbrella on a cushioned pool chair, completely alone. The pool had a plastic cover over it and the snack bar had a grate pulled down to indicate its closed nature. 

Dan tilted his head out from under the umbrella and looked up. Snowflakes landed on his cheeks and nose and caught in his hair. He closed his eyes.

Tour was exhausting. Brian had passed out the second they’d gotten to their shared hotel room. Dan, however, couldn’t sleep. He had struggled with sleeping problems pretty regularly throughout his life. As a young child, he used to lie awake in terror, frequently being plagued with anxiety about sleeping. It had gotten worse in his teenage years, as a highschool student, he had nearly passed out at school from not sleeping. After college and temporary medication, he had thought he was cured, but now on tour he was eluded by sleep. 

“Oh.” 

Dan hadn’t even heard the door to the roof open.

Arin stood in his pajama pants and tank top at the threshold of the door. He looked at Dan, a bit surprised. “I didn’t think anyone would be up here,” Arin said, obviously getting ready to go back inside.  

“Sorry, I can go,” Dan stood. “I’ve been up here for a while. I needed to--”

“Be alone?” Arin finished his sentence for him. “I understand.” He hesitated before stepping out from the threshold of the door and towards Dan. “Want to be alone together?”

Dan sat back down, trying hard to not blush. If he was blushing, he would just blame it on the weather. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

Arin sat on the pool chair next to Dan’s, cross-legged and facing towards Dan. His loose tank top fell forward and Dan quickly looked away and towards the snow. 

This was the first time they had been completely alone together. No bandmates around, no stage-crew or producers or fans to interrupt.

Dan’s heart felt about ready to beat out of his chest. 

He felt childish and young for having these feelings so intensely, especially because Arin didn’t exactly seem like the type to ever reciprocate those feelings. Truthfully, Dan didn’t even know if Arin liked guys. He didn’t even know if Arin liked anyone, for that matter. The only people Arin truly seemed to care about were Yours, Lovely, and even they got on his nerves enough that he felt the need to come to the roof. 

“You must be freezing,” Dan suddenly broke the silence. He began taking off his coat. “Here,” Dan pushed his blue winter coat into Arin’s hands. “It’s not real fur, it’s that fake stuff, but it’s really warm. I got it at a Burlington Coat Factory for half-off, like, four years ago.” He looked at the coat between their grips, seeing their fingers brushing. 

“Thanks,” Arin mumbled. He pulled Dan’s jacket on. It was slightly too tight, but Arin zipped it up and put his hands in the pockets. “You didn’t have to.”

“It’s, like, ten degrees outside. I did.” Dan felt like he might just melt into the floor seeing Arin in his coat. “No big deal.”

Arin was quiet again and Dan took that as his cue to stay quiet as well. Dan watched Arin as Arin watched the snow fall. In that moment, everything felt very still, despite the flurry of movement from the city and the snow and Dan’s heart in his chest. Snow kept falling, swirling around them. Dan put his hands under his armpits to stay warm. Clouds of their breath puffed out and travelled up towards the sky before disappearing. It was a fleeting moment, like these quiet, still moments Dan had with Arin. 

The snow began letting up, falling slower as the sleepy city began to lull into a dream. Dan was silent as Arin stuck his head out from under the umbrella. Soft, fluffy snowflakes landed on his eyelashes and cheeks, melting almost as soon as they made contact. The red of Arin’s cheeks were something Dan wished he had put there instead of the weather.

“When I was younger,” Arin broke the silence, “I never thought I’d see snow.”

“You’re from Florida, right?” 

“Yeah.”

“Is it nice there?”

“I suppose so. I moved away once the band took off and only go back for visits now,” Arin looked over at Dan, a ghost of a smile on his lips, “it’s a better vacation destination than a place to live, honestly.” He took his hands out of his pockets and rubbed them together for warmth, blowing hot air into his cupped palms. “I never adapted to the cold, though. Not even when I was living in Boston.”

“You lived in Boston? I love Boston.”

Arin was quiet in thought for a moment. He put his hands back in his pockets before saying, “I lived in Boston until 2012.”

“Why did you move?”

“Can we talk about something else?”

“Oh. Sure.” Dan could feel the tension in the air and guilt weighed on him when he saw how upset Arin seemed. 

“I’m sorry,” Arin mumbled, pushing his hair out of his face. “I was the one who brought it up and then I shut you down.”

Dan blinked in surprise. He’d never really talked to Arin like this. It felt intimate, like they had known each other for years. “It’s okay, I just don’t want you to be upset. It’s such a nice night.” He reached out and gently patted Arin’s shoulder, very gently. The contact made both of them jump a little in surprise -- Dan by his boldness and Arin by the touch. Dan quickly pulled his hand back. “When I was maybe thirteen, I went through a growth spurt where I grew almost a foot and a half in less than a year. Winter’s always been my favorite season, but that year, my growth spurt made my body hurt so bad I wasn’t able to go out and play in the snow at all. I would get these terrible stomach aches and was just in terrible pain. That winter, I watched as all the kids who lived around me play outside through my bedroom window.” Dan paused for a moment and scratched his cheek. “Whenever it snows, I think of that winter, and how I stayed inside. I always wish I had just sucked it up and gone outside, y’know?”

“At least you have the snow now.”

“It made me appreciate the snow more.” Dan looked over at Arin, who was staring at his hands. “I’ve never told anyone that before. I don’t know why but I wanted to tell you.”

“Thank you.” Arin said. He looked around. “It stopped snowing,” his voice was very quiet. 

Dan looked around the roof of the hotel as well, realizing that it had, indeed, stopped snowing. He glanced back over at Arin who was looking at his hands again. After a moment, he said, “Did I make things weird?”

“No!” Arin quickly said, “No, no, not at all! I just…” He hesitated. “I just know what it’s like. Watching life happen around you through a window, wishing you could go back and change things.”

“What do you wish you could change?”

“A lot.”

Arin left it at that and Dan decided not to touch it.

“I think I’m going to go inside,” Arin stood. “Are you coming in?”

“Yeah, it’s getting a little bit too cold for me,” Dan followed Arin back inside. The contrast of the temperature, which was dropping rapidly outside, made Dan’s nose, cheeks, and ears pink. “Hey. I liked talking with you.”

Arin pushed the button for the elevator to take them down to their floor. The slightest smile was playing on his lips. Dan liked how he smiled and wished he would do it more. Maybe, one day, he could get Arin to laugh. He’d love that.

“I liked talking with you, too,” Arin looked over at Dan. “You’re a really dope dude.” 

Dan’s whole face went red and he knew Arin noticed. Arin’s face went a bit red as well as they stepped into the elevator. They were silent on the way down, sneaking awkward glances at each other. Dan wished desperately that they could get beyond this uncomfortable stage and just feel free. 

He also wished that Arin would kiss him. 

The elevator dinged and stopped on their floor. Arin stepped out of the elevator, followed closely by Dan.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

“Yeah. Hopefully the roads don’t ice over too much,” Arin said, hands in the coat pockets. “I’ll see you.” He turned and walked down the hallway in the opposite direction of Dan’s room. 

Dan watched him for a moment before deciding to turn away. He headed to his and Brian’s room, unlocked the door, and went inside silently. Brian was snoring in bed something terrible but Dan was cold and exhausted, his body finally about to give out and force him to sleep. Dan curled up in his bed under the heavy yet artificial feeling duvet and comforter. Brian had placed a quilt on Dan’s bed as well to make sure he could stay warm through the night. 

The alarm clock blinked 1:37 am in a neon red. Dan felt his body relax, finally, into sleep. His mind quieted and his eyes slipped shut.

Dan’s eyes snapped open. 

Wait.

Arin had his coat.

Dan covered his mouth to stop himself from smiling like a lovesick schoolboy with a crush, but the thought of Arin in his coat was incredibly overwhelming. As his eyes slipped shut and he fell back into the relaxed, almost dreaming state, he imagined Arin pushing him up against the elevator wall and kissing him. He imagined unzipping his coat off of Arin and touching him.

Dan slept better that night than he had since tour had started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: coffee talk by broadside


	7. faking my own suicide.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> song: faking my own suicide by relient k
> 
> sorry this one's kind of short, it's just an interlude!!~

‘Do you trust me?’

Arin blinked at Jon. It was 2011 and they were sitting on the roof of Jon and Barry’s apartment and all Arin could think was,  _ God, is that even a question? _ . Arin trusted Jon with his life. 

Every decision Arin made was a blind leap of faith, most of the time for Jon. Christ, that’s why they were in a band, why they were in Boston, why they were working on their third album.

‘Of course I trust you.’

Jon flashed a grin and Arin could see himself caught between his teeth. His hair curled under his ears and out from under the hat on his head. He leaned over and bumped his shoulder to Arin’s, a hand sliding a small notebook out of his pocket. He thumbed through it, lyrics messily scattered along margin-to-margin. Jon looked down at the notebook before looking up at Arin. ‘These are about you.’

A part of him probably always knew it. The way that Jon looked at him as he sang his lyrics… there had always been something hidden there. Something more than friendship. 

The lyrics for the current album they were working on, the one that had been nominated by Jon to be their self-titled album, were different, too. They were all about…

Arin took a deep breath.

All the lyrics had been about love so far and Arin felt sick from how fast his head was spinning and suddenly Jon’s hands were on his thigh and in his hair and they were kissing and Arin couldn’t breathe.

Arin pulled away, gasping for air as he tried to get his head straight. ‘But the band,’ he mumbled as Jon’s fingers ran through his freshly cropped hair. Arin’s voice fizzled out as Jon scratched at his scalp. 

‘You look good with short hair,’ Jon responded. 

Face hot, Arin decided it would be best to shut up and just go with it. This was a bad idea, like a lot of Jon’s ideas, but Arin didn’t care.

He trusted him.


	8. hold it in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for a lot of anxiety / discussion of anxiety

“Hey, Dan, wanna play ‘Chicken’?” Ross had this sly look on their face, submerged mostly in the pool, water up to their chin. “We can break it up by band to assess who’s the dominant band.”

“Uh,” Dan looked over at Brian, who was talking to Suzy and applying more sunscreen than necessary to his cheeks. Dan couldn’t decide which would be worse - having Brian on his shoulders or having to sit on Brian’s shoulders and try to stay upright. “Raincheck?”

“Chicken.” Ross laughed at their own joke before scowling a bit. “But seriously. Don’t be a fuckin’ pussy. You’ve been avoiding my invitations to fight, what’s up with that, Dan? Huh?”

“Ross,” Arin said over his shoulder from where he was hanging out at the edge of the pool, propping himself up with his elbows. That was all he had to say.

It was one of the nicer evenings in Houston. The bands had been in the pool since late that afternoon and as the sun began to set, the temperature began to drop with it. Dan was watching as the sunlight danced fancy reflections on Arin’s wet hair. He tried hard not to think about how close Arin was to him wearing only his pink swimming trunks. 

Dan almost felt guilty for wanting Arin so silently.

“You like him a lot, don’t you?”

Dan almost jumped out of the pool when he heard Barry’s voice. Barry had been lounging on a pool floatie, reading a novel. He was now wading in the pool, closer to Dan than he’d ever gotten before. 

“Pardon?”

“Arin. You really like him.” Barry tilted his head a bit. His voice was soft and Dan hated how kind of heart the bassist was. There was no judgement in his tone, no disapproval. It wasn’t accusatory, Ross had enough of that in every word they said to Dan. “It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone.”

“I think Ross figured it out already.” Dan looked over to where Ross and Arin spoke in lowered voices, Ross’ brow drawn into a crease in frustration. “I don’t think they like me very much.”

“They’re just protective of Arin, that’s all.” Barry explained, getting out of the pool. He offered a hand to Dan, which Dan accepted gracefully. As they towelled off, Barry said, voice barely a whisper, “It’s not jealousy. It’s about being safe, physically as well as emotionally or mentally.”

That implied that there was danger.

Dan looked again at where Arin and Ross had migrated to talk to Brian and Suzy. He almost envied how easily Brian could just slip into that situation and make himself at home. Dan wished he could do that and just have this be a normal thing - he had been on tours before, after all. None of them had been with Arin, though. Dan knew he was being dramatic but he couldn’t help but wish that he could just learn to be friends with Arin and put this all behind him. It would be better for everyone.

“Do you think--”

“I don’t know,” Barry said. His blue eyes shown in the sun as he looked up at Dan. 

“You didn’t even know what I was gonna say.”

“You were gonna ask if I think he likes you back, and I don’t know.” He smiled when a surprised look spread across Dan’s face. “Maybe he does. He probably does, you’re a nice guy.”

“If I’m a nice guy, why does Ross need to be so protective?”

“What’re you nerds whispering about?” Suzy was out of the pool, water dripping off of her. Dan quickly looked away when she bent down to grab a towel, not wanting to stare. There was no doubt in Dan’s mind that Suzy looked drop-dead gorgeous, when did she not? But he didn’t want her thinking he was some type of a creep. “I want in on the secret,” she said, towelling off. 

“No secret,” Dan shook his head. He turned away from Suzy and Barry, breath catching in his throat when he found Arin out of the pool, wet hair pushed out of his eyes. He was almost sparkling from the sunlight reflecting off the water droplets that were scattered across his skin. Dan’s entire face went red and he looked at his feet. “I’m gonna go to my room,” he mumbled. 

“Let’s meet in the lobby in half an hour for dinner, okay?” Barry suggested, hoping to draw the attention of the group to himself. Dan made a mental note to thank Barry later for being a pal.

Dan didn’t look at Arin again before he hurried to his room. He wanted to think that Arin seemed disappointed by the fact, but Dan was pretty sure that was just his imagination flaring up.

It was a nice thought, though.

=

Dan felt incredibly drained.

Dinner had been fine, it was just that Dan was not as extroverted as any of Yours, Lovely or Brian. He checked out pretty fast during dinner, just nodding or giving one word answers when asked anything. It was as if Dan needed to change his batteries. 

Dan made his way up to the roof after struggling to connect his laptop to the wifi. The Houston weather was just as unpredictable as the sight before Dan when he made his way up to the roof pool. The weather had dipped beneath sixty degrees and Arin Hanson was sat in the hot tub, alone, his hair tied back in a messy bun.

“Oh, wow, um, sorry,” Dan quickly said. “I-I can leave.”

“It’s okay!” Arin stood and reached a hand out. “Seriously.”

It was actually not okay. Dan was staring at Arin’s tattooed torso and arms. He looked so strong and it did things to the knots in Dan’s stomach. 

“Do you want to...join me?”

“I don’t have a swimsuit.” 

“Oh. Oh, that’s okay.” Arin nodded. He shifted nervously. “You don’t have to go, though. I mean…”

“Are you asking me to stay?”

Awkward silence met Dan’s question and Dan tensed when Arin sunk down in the hot tub a bit. He moved from foot to foot, eyes finding a pool tile that was suddenly extremely interesting. He had asked too much, now things were super weird, and it was all Dan’s fault. Anxiety coursed through Dan’s veins and he took a few deep breaths, trying to center himself. Despite telling himself it was okay, it wasn’t. He was making it weird. He always had to make it weird, didn’t he?

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Arin finally said. He was smiling and when Dan met his eyes, Dan felt like a weight lifted off of his chest. 

Dan took off his shoes and socks and quickly rolled up the cuffs of his jeans. He sat on the edge of the hot tub, putting his feet into the warm water. He looked at Arin, who sat across from him, fully submerged in the water. Dan didn’t want Arin to think that he was staring, so he looked away. “Uh,” he laughed a bit nervously. 

“The water’s nice, huh?”

“Oh! Oh, yeah,” Dan nodded.

Arin splashed a bit playfully. “I didn’t think anyone would come up here. I just needed to… relax.” He looked down at his hands in the water as Dan stole a glance at him. “Tour is really stressful. It’s hard living with the same people in such a tiny space for so long.”

“I understand. This is my first big tour but,” Dan paused, remembering back to living in Philly when he was just out of college, “I used to live in an apartment with three other guys. I ended up spending a lot of time on the fire escape to just get away from them, y’know?” He realized Arin was staring at him and froze. “I think that’s… sort of the same?” His voice trailed off. 

Arin kept staring. 

“What?”

“Nothing, you just have goosebumps on your arms.”

Dan looked down at his arms and saw that, yes, there were goosebumps starting to prick up on his skin. He looked at Arin. “It’s kind of nippy.” He smiled gently. “It’s okay, I’m not that cold.”

“The water’s really warm. You could… never mind.” Arin trailed off, obviously a bit embarrassed.

“What?”

“I was just gonna say that you could get in in just your boxers, but that sounds stupid now.” Arin’s ears were turning pink but Dan didn’t notice, he was too busy hoping that Arin couldn’t see his own blush spreading across his face. “Sorry if I made you un--”

Arin stopped talking as Dan chucked off his shirt. Dan stood and took off his jeans, putting his clothes with his shoes and socks. He then quickly slipped into the pool, eyes low. Arin was right, the hot water was a nice change from the cool night and Dan quickly relaxed. He looked over at Arin, who sat across from him, wide eyed.

“The water’s nice, right?” Dan echoed what Arin had said earlier, hoping that that would improve the awkward situation. He grinned when Arin splashed him a bit. He settled back before taking a deep breath and sinking under the water, pinching his nose. When he came back up, steam in his eyes and wet hair dripping, Arin was just  _ that _ much closer to him. Dan tried not to hold his breath. 

“Wanna play Twenty Questions?”

=

“I was thirteen when I had my first kiss.”

“Really? I was seven.” 

Arin shook his head in amusement and disbelief, arms crossed over his chest. “Okay, game aside, I have to ask...why were you seven and kissing someone?”

Dan was smiling so much his mouth hurt.

“Well, I was seven and I had a ‘girlfriend’ at the time.” Dan made air-quotes around the word girlfriend. “She told me I was going to kiss her at lunch, which, of course, left seven-year-old me fuckin’ terrified.” 

Arin’s laugh was a secret accomplishment for Dan. It started barely audible over the sound of the hot tub before it crescendoed loud enough to ring in Dan’s ears. Every time he was able to draw it out of Arin, he felt just a little better. Dan loved each and every one of his laughs that he had experienced -- his loud laugh that filled up the room, the little chuckles he tried to suppress, even the ‘Oh-God-that-was-so-fucking-stupid’ giggle that he did as he shook his head. 

Dan could feel himself pulled deeper and deeper into Arin’s orbit and he hoped desperately that he wouldn’t be crash-landing. 

“So, lunchtime comes around and I don’t eat, because I’m scared, but I gotta play it cool. On the playground, we were standing at the Four-Square and all these other kids gathered around to watch us go through with this. I’ll never forget it. Hoshi Berkovic-Saitō, my seven-year-old girlfriend, she was Japanese-Jewish, she fuckin’ slipped me the tongue! We were seven!” 

Arin’s laughter was infectious. Dan hadn’t laughed this hard in ages. Even with the cold weather and a pool jet against the small of his back, this was the happiest he had felt in months.

“What did y- what did you do?” Arin’s giggles were overflowing over his hand that covered his mouth. 

Dan wanted very badly to move Arin’s hand away from his mouth and kiss him until both of their lips were numb, but decided against it. He shook his head a little. “I was such a dumbass as a kid, dude. I said ‘You never said we’d be  _ Frenching _ ’.”

Arin nearly exploded with laughter and Dan wished desperately to pause this moment here and capture it so he could hold onto and replay it whenever he wanted. The moment was fleeting, like the snowflakes that had melted on Arin’s eyelashes just a few nights ago, even if it felt like an eternity ago. Now they sat in a hot tub in Houston, close enough that their knees were touching in the water.

Wait.

Dan was pretty sure that they had started on opposite sides of the hot tub, but he didn’t mind. Arin looked really beautiful in the light from the pool and the city lights reflecting off the water on his shoulders. He was so close, close enough that Dan could easily lean in and press their lips together. Dan looked down at Arin’s lips and then back up at Arin, who was staring at him intensely. All he had to do was lean over just slightly. 

But he didn’t. 

Dan looked the other way, his mouth dry. Again and again in his head, the little voice whispered ‘ _ coward’.  _ He licked his lips, feeling very awkward and he shifted away from Arin, crossing his legs in the water and keeping his hands folded in his lap before he did something stupid. 

“Okay.”

Arin was suddenly out of the pool, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself as he headed for the door. Dan was left feeling empty and confused. Had he done something wrong?

This wasn’t how this was supposed to be. 

_ Coward. Coward, coward, coward, coward. _

=

Dan woke up on the bus in Dallas, the nap he took for a little too long leaving him achy. He hadn’t slept well the night before, especially not after what happened with Arin.

Arin.

Guilt rushed through Dan’s body and he covered his eyes. He had to face Arin, not protected by the four walls of the tour bus. Dan got out of his bunk, slamming his head against the ceiling of his bunk and groaning.

“God, I’m getting too fucking old for this.”

“Tell me about it.” 

Brian was in the small kitchen space, making himself a cup of tea. Seeing that Dan was awake, he grabbed a second mug, one with kittens in socks, and began making him a cup as well. “Is Earl Grey alright, Dan?”

“Yeah,” Dan pinched the bridge of his nose, standing and stretching. Christ, the bunks were shit on his back. As much as he loved tour and loved what they were doing, it was hell on his body. Dan accepted the mug of tea and sat on the couch. He sipped at the tea, still blearily blinking the sleep out of his eyes. “When’s soundcheck?”

“Half an hour.”

Dan nodded, sleepily, staring into his mug, checking out of the real world momentarily. 

“Have you written anything more to that thing you showed me last week?”

“Ah, no. I’ve been busy, y’know?” Dan drank more of his tea.

Brian nodded, sat a cushion over from Dan on the couch. “Rachel and Audrey called earlier. They were sorry they missed you.”

“That one’s on me. I’ve just…”

“Troubles sleeping, I know.” Brian nodded. He then got this  _ look  _ on his face, smiling smugly into his tea and taking a long sip from the cup. 

Dan quirked an eyebrow at his bandmate. He knew that look. It was Brian’s  _ I Have A PhD and Therefore I Think I Know The Secrets To The Universe _ look. It was a look Dan sometimes wanted to smack off his face, but not physically slap it off, just... He wanted to make him stop. That smile made him uneasy.

“...what?”

“Nothing.” Brian shrugged, still smiling. “You just have been staying up late with Arin, is all.”

Dan choked. He quickly tried to compose himself but he was red and flustered and didn’t know what to do with his hands now and --

Breathe.

This was Brian. He was just teasing.

“Maybe I have been,” Dan muttered. He put his drink down and looked over at Brian. “He’s an interesting guy.”

“I bet.” Brian nodded. “There’s gotta be a reason why so many people love him, I suppose. He seems to be really charming and funny.” He paused and thought for a moment before adding, “And handsome. He’s quite handsome.”

“Dude.” Dan stood up. “You’re the worst.”

Brian just raised an eyebrow and grinned as he finished off his tea. 

=

Dallas was a great audience. They were loud, responsive, and Dan’s heart still fluttered any time anyone sang along to his lyrics. He had written most of those lyrics in his bedroom, bent over a tiny desk and wrestling with a pen and paper, or in Brian’s garage, their practice space. Even after their practices, Dan had always found himself sitting on the cold concrete floor of the garage, surrounded by notebooks and his guitar and an old tape recorder so he could come back to whatever he might muster up in that lyric session. 

They got back to the hotel around 12:30 in the morning. Brian had called first shower and passed out immediately afterwards.

Again, sleep was a distant friend to Dan once he was showered and laying in bed, so, again, Dan made his way to the roof of the hotel, clad in his pajama bottoms and a large New York Giants sweatshirt. He pushed the doors to the rooftop open-air lounge open, the cold air hitting him.

“Oh.”

Arin.

Dan took a deep breath in and didn’t look at the other man. He had done such a good job avoiding him since the hot tub incident. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize--”

“It’s okay, Dan.” Arin’s voice was warm, despite the biting cold. He was sat on a lounger, looking out on the Dallas skyline. He motioned for Dan to sit next to him, so Dan did. They were both quite, just drinking in the city night lights and sounds. Arin shifted and looked over at Dan, his long hair falling in his eyes. “I usually go up on the roof to clear my head after shows. As you’ve probably figured out.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured.” 

They were quite again, just the hum of the pool running keeping the silence between them down. Dan chewed on his bottom lip, trying to think of something to say. Did Arin even want him to say anything?

“I’m sorry for how I reacted yesterday,” Arin said, suddenly. He was still looking at Dan, a faint pink dusting his cheeks. “I’m just… I’m really confused. I thought you wanted--”

Arin’s hand was on top of Dan’s, then. He squeezed his fingers, gently, not finishing his sentence.

Dan watched Arin carefully, his heart racing in his chest. “I’m confused, too, Arin.”

“I don’t know if I want my question answered, honestly.” There was a hint of sadness in the little smile that played on Arin’s lips and Dan wanted to kiss that sadness away forever. “It might be easier not to know.”

Dan turned his hand over, having them now hold hands. Their fingers laced together felt so right. Dan felt invincible.

“Then we don’t have to know right now.” 

Arin laughed, his hair falling into his eyes more. “I guess we don’t.”

They didn’t say anything else. And that was okay. 

For once, Dan didn’t feel afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: hold it in by jukebox the ghost
> 
> i'm back!! hi!! :D i'm sorry for disappearing, but my muse is totally back now and i'm very excited. i have two chapters waiting to be published and am working on a third. please leave a comment or drop me an ask on tumblr (@attemptinglove)

**Author's Note:**

> please please PLEASE leave a comment and a kudos if you enjoyed and you wanna see more!! find me on tumblr @attemptinglove
> 
> listen to Yours, Lovely's album FOR JON. here!: https://open.spotify.com/user/reinventloves/playlist/2CRTm5TsHtAhXB3M5tNmNi
> 
> listen to The Hunted's EP Flowers for Dana here!: https://open.spotify.com/user/reinventloves/playlist/7w3KSCQXB5q44oAPuRaFft
> 
> if you want the full discographies of the bands, please leave a comment below! <33


End file.
